What I Really Want

I know this is shocking, it’s 9:15pm on a Tuesday night and I’m awake. You know, it’s actually not shocking, it’s when normal people would be awake, still cleaning up after the day, putting their kids to bed, maybe turning on the news or a movie, or catching up in something more relaxing like yoga, journaling, calling a friend. But not me, I’m busy having an argument with myself. It’s for a good reason. You see, last night, I kept myself up for three extra hours, completely uncalled for and for no reason other than I must have had a lot on my mind that I needed to share with myself. So, instead of keeping it  bottled up inside, I tapped myself on the shoulder in the middle of a nice, healthy slumber and woke myself up. I made myself a cup of tea, I forced myself to think about what was Imagebothering myself, and to share it without holding back. Unfortunately, it didn’t get my anywhere. You see, today, not only was I the same me that I was yesterday, I was a more groggy me, a more cranky me, a more hungry me. Tonight, I would’ve wanted to let myself get to sleep early, to make up for the lost hours, to feel for once refreshed and rejuvenated upon awakening, but no, no, no….apparently there is more I need to deal with. Hence the reason I’m awake. When all I want, is to be asleep. I want to be awake less, I want to feel less, I want to just enjoy and relax more. And no matter what I do, no matter how I try to talk myself into this state of being, this frame of mind, it’s like it just keep further eluding me. Not much longer though. Perhaps I just need to spell it out for myself, what I really want, who I really am.

Maybe what I want most of all is just to know, to be sure that what I think I want….is not some sort of horrible mistake that my mind is playing on me. I think what I want is to know that I can be happy, trick myself into feeling like everyday is Christmas. That’s all I really want, is that too much too ask of myself?

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