What I Really Want

I know this is shocking, it’s 9:15pm on a Tuesday night and I’m awake. You know, it’s actually not shocking, it’s when normal people would be awake, still cleaning up after the day, putting their kids to bed, maybe turning on the news or a movie, or catching up in something more relaxing like yoga, journaling, calling a friend. But not me, I’m busy having an argument with myself. It’s for a good reason. You see, last night, I kept myself up for three extra hours, completely uncalled for and for no reason other than I must have had a lot on my mind that I needed to share with myself. So, instead of keeping it  bottled up inside, I tapped myself on the shoulder in the middle of a nice, healthy slumber and woke myself up. I made myself a cup of tea, I forced myself to think about what was Imagebothering myself, and to share it without holding back. Unfortunately, it didn’t get my anywhere. You see, today, not only was I the same me that I was yesterday, I was a more groggy me, a more cranky me, a more hungry me. Tonight, I would’ve wanted to let myself get to sleep early, to make up for the lost hours, to feel for once refreshed and rejuvenated upon awakening, but no, no, no….apparently there is more I need to deal with. Hence the reason I’m awake. When all I want, is to be asleep. I want to be awake less, I want to feel less, I want to just enjoy and relax more. And no matter what I do, no matter how I try to talk myself into this state of being, this frame of mind, it’s like it just keep further eluding me. Not much longer though. Perhaps I just need to spell it out for myself, what I really want, who I really am.

Maybe what I want most of all is just to know, to be sure that what I think I want….is not some sort of horrible mistake that my mind is playing on me. I think what I want is to know that I can be happy, trick myself into feeling like everyday is Christmas. That’s all I really want, is that too much too ask of myself?

My To Do List

The feeling of everything coming at you at once is a relative one. What overwhelms one person and results in sleepless nights, renders another unfettered. 

So why do I have such a small capacity for carrying around large quantities of thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I like to think it’s because my brain and heart are interwoven tightly and I’m deeply involved with everything that goes through my head. But that’s probably not it. 

I have been seeing a counselor lately to try to get over this unreasonable hump, the one where I feel worthless, unvalued, and ready to plunge into another portion of life without having fully thought it through. It seems the more I see her, the more stuff I have to do. Now I have even more to think about and analyze, and more I want to say and talk about! Maybe I was never meant to shine, and I should’ve left well-enough alone. I should’ve let sub par be sub par. At least I could’ve gotten some sleep that way. 

Who knows the reason for this needless awakening this evening, maybe this is the night I will find that perfect apartment on Craigslist, make the life-changing Linked In connection, finally catch up on paying all my bills…probably I will do nothing productive but look on Facebook at pictures of cats and go right back to where I started. OH well, at least I banked my insomnia on the opportunity to catch up on my Scrabble turns, get some thoughts out, and then get a jump start on my 5am kettle bell workout.

It’s looking like I have to get re-addicted to Valerian root if I want to survive. 

 

Meet the Morgans

Happy New Year!

2014, a brilliant new age is upon us. You know what that means, the last few seasons of Dexter are on Netflix. Sad as it is, this is my second television series that I’m watching start to finish, without missing a single episode EVER. I’m usually not the kind of person to commit to something so wholeheartedly, I just get addicted.

My new found devotion is both thanks to Netflix, and my boyfriend’s avid fondness of this particular show. I have to say, without a smatter of regret, it’s officially rubbed off on me, and I’m hooked. I’m hooked in multiple realms, like a double decker cheesecake, like a thousand story skyscraper, like a deep ocean blue that is holding a world of richness and colors. This show has transformed me, as it’s turned me into a viewer, an effect I think the producers intended for it to have. It had me cringing and squirming at first, absolutely loathing the main character, and now (by Season 7) has me fixated like the very victims that lie on it’s table each episode. I may as well wrap myself in plastic wrap and chain myself to the couch with a bowl of popcorn.

Although… I still can’t watch it with the lights off. And it’s best about 2-3 hours before I try to go to sleep. And I never watch it alone. But I still like it.

Silly as it is, like every well-written script, I can’t help but find ways to identify with the main character. I get really sick of his antics at times, and it frustrates me to warn him about dangerous traps he so carelessly walks into, that I feel he should’ve seen coming. But I do have a soft spot in my heart for Dexter and his crew. He’s like a modern day Robin Hood, only more….Robbin’ than from da’ Hood.

Ways I Relate to Dexter: 

1. I have a running monologue inside my brain, which narrates my actions, my reflection on others actions, and my overall state of mind at any given time. When I pass that woman at her desk in the morning who uses way to much perfume, me, myself, and I will talk about it until I get to my own desk. Once I’m safely and inconspicuously at my desk with a cup of coffee, I begin narrating for myself as the day progresses.

2. I like routine. When someone throws me out of mine, my very perfect routine that I’ve created…. the music stops, the camera rolls stops short, and I get all out of whack. Like Dexter, I recover by drinking excessive amounts of coffee, suffering incredible bouts of insomnia, or just generally acting weird around everyone I interact with.

3. I cut myself shaving everyday too. In his theme song, he cuts himself everytime. You’d think if he did the same thing everyday, he would learn to shave a smoother shave without error. Then again, you would think that about me. Maybe he just likes to see his own blood. In that way, we cannot relate.

4. Our bathtubs have been full of blood. Well, mine wasn’t quite as extreme as his, just from a bad shaving incident thanks to the poor build of razors in France.

5. People don’t understand us. Mis unda stood. That’s me and Dex. He teaches us the importance of being open, honest, and up front with your thoughts and feelings. Be impeccable with your word, a lesson he needs to learn.

6. We both have huge biceps. Enough said.

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Despite our droves of similarities, I don’t really love this dude in the show. I like him as an actor, and feel a little bad for him as a man in real life (his wife divorced him to be with a notable voice in the local music scene) but the entire time I’ve been watching him, I want him to get caught. I like the whole Crime-Scene-Investigator-theme-gone-rougue, but I want it all to stop, and I want him to go back to his happy little life, like a normal dad. I can’t stand his lying, his trickster ways, and his need to justify committing a crime. I think he would enjoy it if he could be more normal, and I think he could be more normal if he had more positive self-talk and far less hallucinations. He needs help, he needs a counselor, he should stop using his dead father to glean words of wisdom.

Under the right circumstances, he seems like the kind of guy that could really pull of normal. I suppose that’s our most major difference, I’m way too wacky to pull off “normal”. Oh yes, that and…

1. I couldn’t kill a fly. Literally, I let a spider sit and enjoy my lunch break with me in my car because I couldn’t kill it and I had no need to remove it.

2. The sight of blood makes me go pale and hit the floor like a tons of bricks. I guess I have no future with Miami Metro.

Fortunately, like most addictions, all good things must come to an end. The show is nearly over and I am on the edge of my futon waiting to find out how this whole thing will wrap up.  No pun intended. Then I can move on to something with a little more levity.