Yes, well, like a true Bedilia, it’s been awhile since I’ve last written. I’ve been busy working, being a space cadet, working some more, moving into my new luxurious mattress, and working a tad more. Then I enjoyed the most amazing, or at least ONE of the most amazing Thanksgivings ever. Relaxing, totally pressure-free. I missed my family, my friends, but alas threats of the snow kept me walking around the same lake I’ve been walking around for the past 7 months.
Now it’s back to the real world. The real world. The real world. The sound echoes through my head, clangs against my skull bones, because I’m having a hard time believing that this could possibly be real life. Is unhappiness and discomfort everyday supposed to be how life goes? Do I have to constantly be telling myself to think and feel a way that I don’t?
Sometimes, kids have it so lucky. If things are not going their way, they whine, they cry, they scream. They throw stuff. They hit people. The repercussions are minor, like sitting in time out, losing cookies and getting grounded from TV. Grown ups have to hide so many emotions. They have to kid themselves into so many things, and talk themselves into feeling or acting certain ways. So I want to ask…what is up with the facade? I wanna drown the fake me, so she can’t screw up my soul searching. How am I supposed to find myself if she gets in the way and pretends to be someone I’m not?
Life can really put you between a rock and a hard place. I noticed that when I arrived there, I stopped expecting everyday to present a miracle. I stopped thinking something special might happen, or I might get a little closer to my center. I stopped hoping and dreaming…
But I’m taking two big steps towards change. The question now is, can I trick myself into gradual acceptance of myself?
One foot. Two foot. Left foot. Right foot. One right in front of the other.