It’s not enough that I am at work forty hours or more a week, it’s not enough that I have to think about it two hours prior to going, and two hours after…now I’m awake, on a Friday night, Saturday morning mind racing, heart racing, dreams spilling around in my head about work. Is it about work? Is it the mold that they found in my apartment? Is it because I have to sleep on a futon until the mold is cleaned and I woke up with my face against a cold wall? Is it too many brussel sprouts for dinner? I feel more trapped in this mental cubicle than I have ever felt in my life. More anxious and unsure of what is to happen next with each passing day. I can’t keep up, I have friends and relationships slipping through the cracks because I am working so hard to keep afloat. All the while, disliking and wishing to be further from the ME that is not who I AM.
I watch them everyday, the ones who dream of their bank accounts. Carefully accruing their pennies in their minds rather than counting sheep at night. They smell of strong detergents, stale coffee, and microwave lunches. They stumble from their desks to the “break room” (which you would never actually take a break in, as it’s so small one would have to devour over the sink like a ravenous animal on the kill). They pour their 20 oz of coffee into their designated coffee mugs. Mugs with words like, “Mom” “Java” “13.1” and “I Hiked to the Top of Crowder Mountain and all I Got was this Mug”. It’s the workforce of America. While we type away, there are a million things at home left undone, a thousand passions left uncaptured, and opportunities that lie by the wayside. There are connections to be made, relationships to be stoked, and dreams to pursue. They seem OK with it, but the feeling stirs me awake every night, feeding off my brain cells that should be used for snoozing.
But I let it all lie dormant, stagnant, all for helping to push this giant hamster wheel around in yet another circle.
We are the ME’s that are losing touch with who I AMs. I am the me that can only dance on this line for so much longer. I’m so ready for this phase to be over, the one where every other day I am just asking myself, “WHY?” Is it just that final feeling as the 20’s taper off? Will it ever end?
A girl needs her beauty sleep!