More than I Can Stomach

How healthy do most people consider themselves to be? I think as a general whole, the public esteems themselves in lofty healthy regards. That’s no matter what! I mean, that is if someone eats one vegetable a day, or subsists on donuts and coffee. They often still consider themselves in good health. That is however, unless they are ridden with disease or ailments. Until they begin to lose a function or capacity of some sort. That’s when human beings begin to question and alter their steps. When the way they are walking does not feel so good.

I recently posted on my Facebook the question, “How healthy would you say you are on a scale of 1-10? 10 being your MOST healthy and 1 being your LEAST healthy ever.” The answers I got were rather what I expected….

JD:  think I am the healthiest I have ever been. Not the skinniest I’ve been, nor the healthiest I could be… But the healthiest I’ve ever been! : )
September 25 at 6:43pm via mobile · Unlike

RMK Jr.:  7.8
September 25 at 6:56pm via mobile · Like

CT: 4.6…room for improvement!
September 25 at 7:56pm · Like

ECG: Wow, CT, you’re like the healthiest person I can think of!
September 25 at 8:37pm via mobile · Like

SAA: 9!
September 25 at 8:58pm · Like

WD: 3
September 26 at 9:09am · Like

SK: 9 because i feel great, i’m working out, i’m watching what i eat, sleeping well and getting adjusted once a month. =] i would be a 10 if my friend Emily lived close enough to share a baggie of kale chips with
September 26 at 11:15am · Unlike · 2

AP: 7.5…The lack of quality grocery stores in the South is my excuse. Oh, that and beer. Sweet, sweet beer.

ECG: Not that I should talk, I’m a 5 out of 10

The fact of the matter is, people tend to think their way is the right way until something happens that proves it’s blatantly the wrong way. As I’ve been journeying through some serious physical pains and turmoils of my own, I’m more inclined to side with those that clink their wine glasses together and proclaim, “To each his own!” If they like vegetables, let them eat veggies! If they like wine, let them drink wine. If they eat meat and cheese, let them grind their jawbones upon such bounty!

Why else does every study under the sun show this, that, and the other thing. It’s often not fair to me that people who break all the rules, win all the freedom in living and they get to have their cake and eat it too! I can’t tell whether I’m coming or going anymore! Of course, this is not a fast and hard rule. But that’s what I’m saying….it doesn’t appear there ARE fast and hard rules! So are we supposed to just do what we feel good about? Or should I recommend my high-fat, vegan diet to everyone and their mother’s too? To abstain or not to abstain? To hit the yoga mat or pound the pavement with my running shoes? Throw away my peanut butter? Fast until I am clean as a whistle? Wake up at 5 or sleep until 8!? Why can’t someone just tell me the flat out, good to honest, real, phoney-free TRUTH!!!!???

And that was how….the Emily Diet was birthed…

Giant Bowl


Gender Roles

Honestly. I am a feminist’s nightmare, carrying on like some classically-conditioned woman. Let me explain:

  • I work my 8-5 job Monday through Friday, getting up at 5:30 to do my gym routine, which is far less effort and output than it should be, but all the while I’m thinking to myself, “I’m doing more than 70% of women do on a regular basis. Good for me.”
  • I check out other girls and compare myself to them in every way possible from skin, to hair, to nails, to clothing, to being in or out of shape. I base my mood for the next hour on the emotions I feel after said comparison.
  • After mentally and physically beating myself up as much as possible, I race home at precisely 6:20am, wash up, take great pains in making myself appear beautiful. I trap my girth into a pair of nylons and suck in an inhale that I won’t let out until 5:00 tonight. Then, I charge into the battle of traffic, stop and get a coffee at my favorite multi-million dollar chain coffee shop, multi-task by checking emails and doing the crossword puzzle on my car ride, and listen to motivational audiobooks.
  • I work as an assistant to a company executive, and tend to bite off more than I can chew always with the mantra, “I got it!”
  • I spot cockroaches in my bathroom, scream bloody murder, and call in the forces (ie. the help of a big, strong male) to help me kill it
  • I cook, clean, and do six loads of laundry on the weekends…and actually find myself enjoying it. Truly getting the greatest joy out of scrubbing a shower and the power of shiny faucet handles.
  • While my boyfriend goes to watch sports with his friends, I call my girlfriends and get my gab on, paint my toenails, go shopping, or attend a yoga class
  • I drink mimosas on Sundays
  • I can’t do a real push up to save my life
  • All this, and it’s sick really, but I’m kind of OK with it and because of that….my house looks spotless and awesome!


Two AnecDONT’S For Drivers Everywhere

Allow me to introduce myself as a way of unraveling the background and setting the scene for these tales. I currently live in North Carolina, home to the world’s third worst drivers (the first being in South Carolina, the second probably in Bangalore, India). I’m originally from New Hampshire, and I have no intention of offending, so if the rules of road rage and improper use of your directional do not apply to you and you happen to be born and raised in North Carolina or residing here by choice, disregard this entire paragraph. Actually, I don’t even think it’s the North Carolinians that are the problem, I think it’s the fact that the sunshine, warm weather, and ocean brings in lots and lots of transplants. Foreigners who think to themselves they are anonymous or have no allegiance to those around them, so they drive like bats out of hell, chickens with their heads cut off, and any other animal you can think of that’s in the wrong place at the wrong time. RoadRage

I work in a Risk Management department at a fairly large company, where I see and deal with lots of situations in which people are not singing “kumbaya” and making the world go around. Instead, they are pilfering, shooting, threatening with knives, vandalizing, tripping little old ladies with their own canes, and spray painting video cameras. Because of this, and watching way too many movies, I tend to err on the side of caution with respect to whether or not people will be given to craziness as opposed to acting rationally. There are lots of crazy people in this world, and they can be highly unpredictable in a non-socially acceptable, frightening way.

AnecDONT #1: DON’T Honk at Other Drivers. Ever. 

I was driving home from work the other night, after an exceptionally long day, followed by an exceptionally long caravan of Thursday traffic that was standing between me and relaxing, when suddenly a stupid driver pulls a stupid move.

Picture this if you will: I was getting ready to turn LEFT in one of those handy dandy turning left lanes that have been established solely for me. Traffic was coming from the opposite direction so I had to wait in the left lane until it died down. On my left, at a stop sign, there is a line of cars, who are also waiting to turn left or right. They of course, have to wait for the cars I am waiting for, AND for me to turn left, AND for any cars going in my direction to give them leeway. Well, strangely-colored 1986 blue Volvo does want any of this waiting nonsense. He cuts out in front of me in my turning lane and decides to wait there for the cars going in my direction to let him in, blocking me from turning left, and any cars that were behind him from making any sort of move. I politely honked my horn to let him know that was rather unappreciated by me, and likely a slough of other drivers he had just t-eed off. The driver of the car swings his head back to stare me down and he was WEARING A FULL-ON MASK. Face covered all but his eyes, baseball cap, and his run-down car had windows out everywhere. It looked like this guy was no good. I instantly flashed to the fact that he may have a gun and never in my entire life had I been more afraid that I was actually GOING TO DIE. If this man has a gun, I thought to myself, nothing would stop him from shooting. Nothing stops crazy people from shooting others and this guy looked like someone who had either just finished a bank heist or was about to embark on one. I was the only thing standing in his way, and that made me feel like target practice. My heart was racing and the two minutes it took him to pull out into traffic, all the while glaring at me, ticked by like weeks. Finally, he sped off, his cardboard for a front windshield and he rode into the sunset, likely to go murder someone. bandana

When I got home, and recalled my horror story. My boyfriend did a nice thing and let me talk about how scared I was. Then he proposed. No, no, not to me! He proposed that perhaps the man was masked because his windshield was a disaster zone, and he wanted to prevent debris from flying into his face. I don’t like to think of anyone being malicious or ill-natured, so I took his explanation as truth and felt a lot better.

AnecDON’T #2: DONT Be “That Guy” (Or Girl)

Friday night, the highlight of pretty much every week, my boyfriend and I were taking a trip to the store for some wine and a movie (and no, it was not one I would recommend…the wine nor the movie). He parked, as he usually does, at the far end of the parking lot. I’ve always utilized this trick as a way to burn additional calories, but I didn’t know the exact reason behind his doing this, so I asked. After he was finished texting his mom, dad, cousins, brother, sister, and best friend, and checking his Fantasy Football League scores on his iPhone, he looked up to answer me. “I have three reasons. First, I like the extra exercise. Second, I think your car is less likely to get bashed into by these psychotic North Carolina drivers if you park far away from everyone else, and third, I don’t ever wanna be ‘that guy’.” “Which guy?” I ask, trying to decide whether or not I want a lightly effervescent Sauvignon Blanc that pairs well with light fare, or a Pinot Grigio with hints of apricot. “The guy that tries to fight everyone else for the spot up front, no need to make the parking lot more of a war zone than it already is.” “Good points,” I agree with him, as I usually do, and settle on the Pinot Grigio because the bottle is already chilled and my mouth is watering.

Saturday, I decide to run some errands and find myself at Marshall’s. Not exactly on my list of things-to-do, but I decide to roll with it. I search for a parking spot, any parking spot, and finally find one a few cars in (yes, VERY close to the entrance) and put my blinker on for it. A giant white SUV swoops in like a killer in the night and grabs the spot. An action by which I was so appalled, I could do nothing but put my car in reverse and show them my backing in skills for the spot at the very end, furthest possible from the entrance. You see, I was not bothered at all by not having that parking spot, I simply thought THEY were extremely rude and it kinda made me lose my cool for a second there at the sheer audacity of this. Furthermore, while I was backing up, they were honking at me MULTIPLE TIMES trying to get me to realize that there was another parking spot close to them that had just opened up. I walked by them and into the store and you will not believe what happens next…

The husband, who stayed in the car while his wife was in Marshall’s (smart man), YELLS at me from his window, “Hey, there’s yer parkin’ spot rat’ there!” “Oh, it’s ok, I like the walk!” I exclaim, thinking of all the extra calories I’ll burn with these few extra steps. Now, it gets worse. I get into the store and begin scanning for clothing items to start speaking to me when I hear someone else call out to me, this time, a woman’s voice, “Young lady, we were trying to honk at you to show you there was another spot close by where we parked.” Again I repeated my mantra about liking the walk, and carried on in my search. I was so frazzled, weirded out, and disgruntled that I ended up buying a skirt that didn’t fit which I didn’t know because I didn’t have the patience anymore to try something on. What makes matters worse, I’ve already made this EXACT same mistake with this EXACT same skirt, about two weeks ago. I guess I’ll go return it AGAIN. This time I plan be the first one in the parking lot. Skirt

Moral of the story, wear your seatbelt and don’t mess with my qi.  


Have you Herd?

You know what I have always wanted? A twin.

In fact, I have some confessions of wishing I could be like someone else, or someone else could be like me:

1. I used to, and likely still would if they lived close by, go shopping with friends and pick out the EXACT same thing, always with the disclaimer “I promise we’ll never wear them at the same time!”

2. You know the faux pas of matching someone at a party? I love when people are on the same page with similar colors or styles at an event, in an office, etc.

3. I loved my uniform in school. I like dress codes, uniforms, dorky polo shirts that you’re required to wear, etc, etc, etc.

The odd thing is, is that as much as I like to be like my friends, I don’t really like people confusing me with people that are NOT my friends. Famous people, like Angelina Jolie, and Princess Kate Middleton, or even Mila Kunis…..sure, I’d take any of those. But, I don’t like to be thought of as an “American Girl”. Someone that just looks so familiar, or so girl next door, that you could be her, or you, or anyone else. I like to be like people. But I like to be definitively individual.

Steph and I

In my office, I’m always looking for common threads in what people have decided to wear. The ones that match me, I go ahead and mentally add to my “posse” for the day. I feel we’ve all connected on some deep, existential level in choosing our outfits in the same manner. The ones that are totally off from everyone (eg. one girl is wearing black and everyone else is wearing their leopard print body suits and stilettos) I tend to ignore and write off as “not on my frequency”. They talk to me, and I don’t listen, I don’t reply to their emails, and I “decline” all of their meetings on my calendar. Only joking about that last one. 

I’m listening to a book on CD right now that talks about being on the same frequency as others, and being on the same frequency as positive and loving things that are available to us in the world. Choosing THIS frequency over one of grumpiness, tiredness, frazzledness, irritability, the list goes on…..will surely bring you UP and improve the things that you are bringing into your life…while I wasn’t 100% on board with this train of thoughts. I have been just DYING to put it to the test and try it out for myself. I WANT it to be accurate and to WORK for ME! That’s also why I bought seventeen lottery tickets tonight. I think I am definitely on the same frequency as Powerball and that $400 Million dollars might as well be a check with my name on it, now. Watch out, Prada, Gucci, Armani, and Kate Spade. Oh yeah, not to mention that past due student loan balance.

Today three instances occurred that made  me second guess and wonder if maybe there is something to it after all: 

1. 6:00am I parked my car after going to the gym this morning, and jotted down a few things I had in my mind to do: call the doctor, set up my car for a timing belt appointment, pay a bill, email my friend Anna. All of the sudden, as I was looking at the word “Anna” in my sleepy haze, wondering if I had accidentally written “AAA” twice, an email alert heralds me from my phone and lo, and behold, it’s an email from none other than my friend Anna!

2. 2:45pm I was at work and humbly bumbly dumbling my way through, when I’m thinking to myself how this woman I’ve been trying to get a hold of for days, has yet to email me back. For another reason altogether, I began writing her name as a contact in the letter I am drafting for my boss, “Melis….” at that exact second, the phone rings and it’s HER!


3. 4:37pm I’m about to call it a day, and get ready to brave the nasty traffic, but I first decide to write tomorrow’s to-do list. On the top, because I have to start this project, was to email a man about where I could find a particular spread sheet that he regularly updates and has created. As I was writing “Rebuilds and Remodels Spreadsheet”, he calls at that very instant! I got to verbally ask for the spreadsheet, which as we all know, is FAR BETTER than the old-fashioned email.

So, that’s all. I don’t know if I believe in coincidence or not. Part of me wants to believe in signs and symbols. I do like the idea that we’re all connected and on part of this wonderful beautiful herd or pack, and naturally drawn to those who are in our clan and that are supposed to be a piece of our personal puzzles. And part of me thinks I am a phony baloney hoo ha for thinking so.

Only time will tell…..and meanwhile: there’s always room for dessert. Those were the only two cliches I could think of for tonight. That’s all folks!



Know Thyself

Good Morning! It’s 6:30am on a Sunday morning and I am up and at em’. There is nothing particularly wrong with this. Except for the fact that I was growing accustomed to the new me. The Emily that can sleep in until seven or eight and feel especially good about such a feat. I’ve had A LOT of energy lately. It’s like the old me is waking back up. Coming back from the dead.

Coolest CAM

My boyfriend is taking a few classes at a community college here in Raleigh, one of which is a Psychology class. Now, this has caused me to have to stifle my jealousy, because he is one lucky guy for getting to take classes, and fuel my brain in other ways so that I don’t sneak into his book bag and start doing all his homework. Nerd alert: I LOVE school! I love school and I love work. I love dorky things like Toastmaster’s and Networking Groups and Seminars. I blame these dorky pleasure sources on my mother who named me a name that means, “Industrious One.” I would’ve, of course, preferred “Illustrious One” but I also would have taken almost any other name meaning which denoted people in reverence and awe of me rather than me being sentenced to thriving in work and deed for the rest of my life on this green earth.

I digress.

Back to the Psychology class. He has a project to complete which involves a phenomena called “The Johari Window”. Now, lest you be one of the people that fell asleep in all of your college classes, you had better listen up because this is interesting stuff. The Johari Window is a method that helps people to better understand themselves. We all like to understand ourselves, am I right? In fact, the study of oneself is one of the most interesting, despite being seemingly self-centeered, because who else can we fully KNOW, but ourselves?! The Johari window takes YOU, the victim, and breaks you up into four “rooms” or “windows”.  They are as follows:

Open Self: This area represents traits about you that both YOU and most others in your life (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, grocery checkout people, your mechanic, your doctor, your boss, etc.) know about you. It’s things like the fact that you’re friendly, or funny, or a reliable person. Everything you let people know on a regular basis about you that helps them to form their picture of you, as well as things you know that help YOU form your picture of yourself.

Hidden Self: These are all of the adjectives and personality traits about yourself that ONLY you know. In the most successful relationships, this element exists, but there is very little. Openness and honesty is in fact the key to a successful relationship and in your very closest ones, this quadrant should be the smallest of the four.

Blind Self: This one is perhaps one of my favorite. These are the ways in which we perceive and see each other that THEY are unaware of. So, this is like when your brother doesn’t know that he has terrible manners, or is completely oblivious to social cues. This is his blind self.

Unknown Self: I’m not sure how one would ever actually determine what these traits WERE, considering their unknown to both themselves and others. But perhaps they are skills, knowledge, and parts of ourselves that have yet to develop. Our future selves. Our potential selves.

I feel as though I am the kind of person that knows herself quite thoroughly inside and out. As part of his project, my boyfriend and I discussed the aspects of our Blind Self with each other. The things WE see in each other, that the other does not see. For me, I feel I was less surprised about his responses than he was about mine. Although, I was surprised to hear him use the adjectives “generous” and “caring” to describe me, because those were adjectives I thought that were more part of my Hidden Self….in other words, I thought they went unnoticed. We talked about our strengths and weaknesses in communication, and the conversation ended on a very happy, encouraging, and uplifting note.


Learning about yourself is fun, hence the plethora of personality tests that are swarming the Interweb. Know thyself. Know your likes and dislikes. Know your relation to the Universe as a whole, know your relation to other beings. Know your energy sources, what tires you out. Know your goals, your dreams, your passions. The more you discover, the more you find out that there is to love. If you have one, do this with a close friend. Seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes can be a great tool for honest feedback. But most of all, know that your perception is what you must base your knowledge off of. Your reality depends on you understanding YOU, and therefore what excuse do you?

Look, Wikipedia even lays it all out for you step-by-step on how YOU can learn about YOU. 

Here are some more questions to get you started on the fun path of self-exploration and inner knowledge. These questions come from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project but I doctored some of them up a bit:

1. If something is forbidden, do you want it less or more?

2. Is there an area of your life where you feel out of control? Especially in control?

3. If you unexpectedly had a completely free afternoon, what would you do with that time?

4. Are you comfortable or uncomfortable in a disorderly environment?

5. How much time do you spend looking for things you can’t find?

6. Are you motivated by competition?

7. Do you find it easier to do things for other people than to do things for yourself?

8. Do you work constantly? Or think you should be working?

9. Do you work well under pressure?

10. What does your perfect day look like?

11. Are you a morning lark or a night owl?

12. Would you rather save time or save money?

13. Do you enjoy being the center of attention?

14. Do you continuously delay happiness in your life? Ie. “When I’m finished school…” “When the house is renovated…” “When I get a new job…” “When I lose weight…”

15. What would you do if you had more energy?

16. Does being around people energize you? Make you feel depleted?

17. Is it hard for you to get rid of things that you no longer need or want?

18. Do you have road rage? Do you get frustrated easily? Are you impulsive?

19. On a typical night, what time do you go to bed? How many hours of sleep do you get? Do you feel that is enough or that you need more? 

20. What are ten things you want to accomplish within the next ten years?

21. If you could truly live anywhere you wanted, where would it be? 

Last but not least, here are the adjectives that the inventors of the Johari Window concept use with their subjects to help them describe themselves and others. See if you can pick out your top 10 descriptors and have someone else do the same so you can compare answers!

  • able
  • accepting
  • adaptable
  • bold
  • brave
  • calm
  • caring
  • cheerful
  • clever
  • complex
  • confident
  • dependable
  • dignified
  • energetic
  • extroverted
  • friendly
  • giving
  • happy
  • helpful
  • idealistic
  • independent
  • ingenious
  • intelligent
  • introverted
  • kind
  • knowledgeable
  • logical
  • loving
  • mature
  • modest
  • nervous
  • observant
  • organized
  • patient
  • powerful
  • proud
  • quiet
  • reflective
  • relaxed
  • religious
  • responsive
  • searching
  • self-assertive
  • self-conscious
  • sensible
  • sentimental
  • shy
  • silly
  • smart
  • spontaneous
  • sympathetic
  • tense
  • trustworthy
  • warm
  • wise
  • witty

“We must not be defined by what we do, but we must be what and who we are, then only happen to do what we do!” 
C. JoyBell

I Spelt that Wrong!

It’s time for some graphic and real updates from your hostess. The kind that make sweat and blood ooze from your pores, your stomach churn, furrow your brow, and cause you to shake your head in amazement and thank your lucky stars that you don’t have experiences of shame and suffering equal to my many blunders.

So, my new life is upon me indeed! One morning I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs trying to kill the ample hours I have before I go to work selling Organic Mattresses and pillows full of wooly bolas that EWE would probably really like….and when I open my eyes from that peaceful slumber, I am waking up at 5:00am, going to the gym, and rushing here there and everywhere all day long. Rather than selling health and wellness, and a good night’s slumber, I’m sitting behind a company that sells people beer, cigarettes, phenylalanine, and partially-hydrogenated EVERYTHING oil fructose corn Monsanto syrup. Ah yes, and energy drinks.  With my new job, my world is completely flipped! Even down to the fact that I most definitely am NOT ALLOWED to wear flip-flops to work anymore. What’s a girl to do? This is what I’ve been wanting! What I’ve been NEEDING! I do what I have to, I go for, headfirst, plunging in face remarkably leading the way, and hitting the water long before the feet.balancing

Talk about head over heels. I LOVE my new job! I love staying busy and the work I get to do is a perfect combination of everything I’ve ever done up until this point. I love my boss, I love my co-workers! I even love my desk! It’s like the culminating of magic, mixed with Honey Nut Cheerios, and well, other such things that probably would make my stomach hurt to eat. But they’re yummy.

Speaking of yummy, so is coffee. I’m back on that juice. You know, coffee has this way of making things, er, regular, predictable. So, I sort of fell back into it’s lap like an old, apologetic lover swearing never to leave it again. Though, secretly, I’m hoping to kick my habit to the curb again.

I exercise less, have at least one piece of chocolate a week, sit more, and have only one night a week to myself in which I spend doing things like, blogging, and catching up on bills, and emails, crossword puzzles, scrabble, and other such things which I have written rigidly into my day timer. Ie. more sitting.

I gotta tell you, I am starting to unravel. But in a way, the unravelling is the Easy Pass to the path that which will ultimately build me up and make me stronger. I’m pretty sure I’m going to feel like my true self soon! I think.

In order to be this super-charged, energetic, put-together, organized executive assisting guru which is characteristic of my identity, I have to really commit myself to routines, and staying on top of things. Not to mention, my own personal things. Like making sure I go to the bathroom everyday, have time to shower, pick out clothes to wear, eat breakfast and get out the door in a peaceful manner so that I don’t pummel into the daily 6-7 car pile up on the highway. I also have to figure out ways to decompress myself and make sure my stress doesn’t keep me up all night. Spelt Flour is now on my list of “no’s” (I just found out it’s not gluten-free!) along with it, the disappearance of my favorite morning rituals, as are a few other things I’ve found I have to steer clear of while letting my abdominals experience anxiety, else I find myself doubled over in pain crouching beside a copier machine.

All this to say, what I do miss is my creativity, time to write, my three hour walks, the time I set aside for myself to just unfold and run with a random idea. Now, my head unfurls for hours before anything creative rolls out, and by the time it has, my fingers are too weary to jot down the dictations inside my brain. As they say….when one door closes, another door opens. I can truly see how everything requires SOME sort of sacrifice. No matter what you choose, you are giving something up. Let’s see where this ride takes us, shall we. Wine

I don’t miss feeling a lackluster, uncertain, dull, energy and scraping by the skin of my teeth hoping that I can afford lettuce and a can of black beans and still have electricity to turn that into fat-free, black bean hummus for dinner.

The job description is essentially, “Taking Care of Business”: booking hotels, making travel arrangements, checking for grammar and spelling, giving trainings and presentations, I’m sure there will be some Amelia Bedelia moments to share with you. With respect to the utmost of privacy and confidentiality.

I’m also sure that you will get a big earful on the weekends. I simply wanted to explain my absence, apologize if anyone is mourning over my loss of words (don’t worry, I am too!) and say that “I’ll be back!” as the experiences transpire. Be ready.


Why Am I the Only One Soaking Wet?

I’ve felt like a crazy person for most of my life. Always thinking that I’m reaching a new, unprecedented level of crazy only to find that in fact, there is even insanity that I have yet to surprise myself with. The other day, after a particularly longish-feeling day at work, I was caught in the rain. I had to take off my sandals (and wisely took off my cardigan) to run out to my car, and I looked like I had sat under Niagara Falls just from the millisecond it took for me to get out to it. Absolutely, drenched. My dress was like one of those bathing suits from way back when women were modest and went swimming in a mumu, and my hair, once where each strand was perfectly placed, would’ve made a drowned, soaking rat look like a show horse. LaundryBut, despite a little rain, there was still work to be done! I had a movie to get, gas to fill my tank with, I had groceries to purchase! I had a date to prepare for. Lord knows, a little flash flooding and some hydro-planing are no match in keeping me away from a good time. By the time I had pulled into the Kangaroo Express, where I was planning to kill three birds with one stone, it was completely dry and sunny outside. Let me be even more clear, bright day with you, it hadn’t even rained there. So, I step out of my car, looking like a I had a water balloon fight with a planet of apes, and lost miserably, and enter the store. I may not have dry clothes, but I have my pride. And I’m a girl on a mission. I accomplished nothing because the store’s Redbox was broken and they didn’t have what I wanted. The cashier looked at me peculiarly and when I told him I was just caught in the rain, I could tell he was questioning my honesty. I was forced to carry on, to another, bigger (as in, containing far more people) store, where I strutted in, wet as a sponge, and gathered my necessities. At this Redbox, there was a family renting a movie.

Three members of the family. Mom, Dad, son. TWO kiosks to rent movies. Son: Not renting anything, just playing with every button on Kiosk A. Mom and Dad: Not paying the least bit of attention to the son who was taking up an entire kiosk with his lollygagging. Now freezing cold due to being in air-conditioned environments, drenched to the bone, hungry, and concerned about my makeup being smudged by the monsoon, I was getting antsy. And this boy was making me a little angry. By the time I got to the kiosk, I was ready to rent something that had dark and morbid themes….but I couldn’t find anything in time. Because there was a line of impatient people behind me. All staring at my awkward attire and dress as it dripped a pool of acid rain water around my legs. I couldn’t handle the pressure and began to hyperventilate. Then I dashed out of the store, like the New England speedwalker that I was born to be.

Peeling out of the parking lot, I whipped my car into my last resort. I filled up with gas at this completely different Kangaroo Express, and I rented a movie from their outdoor kiosk, I even bought a pack of gum to ensure I would never have to go anywhere ever again, for anything. As I stood there making my movie selection, the rain clouds slowly rolled away the sunny bright disposition of the sky, and drop by drop, began pouring on my little head….yet again. I mentally wagged my finger at all those whom I had just encountered, “I’ll show all of you!”

Fortunately, I was done all of my errands and the only left to observe me in my fully clothed shower state was my date.

It’s absolutely dumb-founding how crazy this experience made me feel. What having clothes sticking to your skin can do to your brain. You’re uncomfortable, cold, weary, and just want to get done with the hubbub and get home. Everyone else is basking in the sun, and soaking in the calm, radiant hours before 7:00pm. Sometimes I feel this way when I’m rushing to get an errand done and the rest of the world appears to be in pause, play, pause, play, pause, play mode. How it makes you want to explain yourself, but meanwhile no one even really notices or cares or hears anything except the craziness screaming through their own brains. It’s interesting, the separate and alienated, lonely lives we all lead. All here together.

Perhaps I’m not the only one left out to dry. I’m just the only one crazy enough to admit it.