Decisions Decisions

Have you ever wondered WHY the grass is actually greener on the other side of the fence? The implications that has for the grass? It obviously has gotten far more manure than the grass on YOUR side of the fence. Or, alternatively, it could be fake grass like a football field, or pumped up with Genetically-Modified-Human-Killer-Plant-Grower chemicals and toxins that are harmful to everyone and everything within 7 corn fields. Farm

I have a really hard time making decisions, making up my mind, and setting forth. This is for several reasons:

1. Comparing myself to others

2. Not 100% knowing what I want until I try it and succeed/ fail

3. Setbacks

4. Not wanting it to affect someone else or something else that is going well in my life. 

A decision is usually made between two or more things that you are using to evaluate how you can make your life BETTER right, or conversely, NOT WORSE. You decide how to get to work based on which way will get you there fastest, or which way is more scenic, which way will have the least number of Starbucks coffee shops on the way so you can reduce your temptation opportunities from 10 to 1.

When making a choice, reaching a conclusion, signing on the dotted line it’s important to make sure first and foremost that you’re as equipped and informed as possible with the matter at hand. If you’re trying to buy a new car, don’t be a crash dummy and let them sell you an old one, know that NEW means zero miles. Know what you’re getting. Know who you’re getting it from and know how long it’s going to last you. Choosing between flavors of ice cream and what you want for dinner at night can be BIG stuff, really intense, deep, passionate and meaningful.

But, I find that it’s those hankering and ever present life decisions that are the hardest. They seem to be appearing more frequently as of late, and require mindful and constant tackling, rather than simply making up my mind and forgetting about it. Let me give you some examples:

When I first came home from France after tossing pancakes, skiing down countrysides, and making beds for four months, I had no job, no place to live, and a pitiful 600 dollars to my name. I had to decide where to go. The choice seemed easy as I was all busy falling in love and stuff, what normal fairytale seeking princess wouldn’t settle down where her true love lives. Although, the choice was not actually that simple at all. Living where he lived meant I had to start out living with my parents, as his city was 3 hours from theirs. I had to take my 26 year old self and relive my glory days of living with my parents, whom I hadn’t lived with for 8 years! I had to start essentially from scratch with my possessions, carrying with me only some clothes, books, and thankfully I was greeted by a bed and dresser my parents had set aside for me. Then I had to decide how long I would stay with them. How would I save up money to get to where I needed to go next? Where did I need to go next? How long would I be “in love”? Would I ditch this guy in a few months and run off to Arizona to meditate under the hot sun and drink cactus juice? I sure did miss my friends in NH, I missed aspects of my old life and the old me that I knew I was sacrificing in order to be blistering away under the hot NC smog. My mind often drifted to asking myself whether or not I had made the right decision and it seemed that I was able to recant and run for the hills at any moment if I wanted. So I was constantly making the conscious and active decision to STAY.

I’ve battled choices with going back to school and my future career, my place of residence, my friends, weighty job decisions, and a major vehicle choice as mine was in dire need of TLC.

Some decisions you feel really good after making them, it was the best you could do, or you made others around you feel good with what you chose. But sometimes, the greener grass, the pampered manure, is really just you having to put up with a lot more crap in achieving what you think is what you want.

I like to blame my inability to make decisions on my hormones. The fact that I am gung-ho about something one day and the next day feeling the need to purge it out of my life….it’s all the estrogen! Sometimes I compare where others are in their lives and I kick myself for decisions I’ve made or am making. I often make a decision and realize there is no way on earth I will ever accomplish it financially this month, unless the sky opens up and the god of hundred dollar bills (that’d be Benjie Franklin) blesses me with particles of his bounty. Then I have to take back my decision, consider the ripple effect and examine if it was what I REALLY wanted anyway. Maybe it’s just not for now and it will come back later. Some choices you get to make again, and others are pressing for your attention NOW and only NOW, lest you burn bridges by turning something down.

Here goes another biggie.

I wonder this, if we start to get more in tune with our hearts true desires, and able to hone in on those. I imagine things are less of a decision making process and more of a natural flow. Ebbing effortlessly into the next step because that is what we have always wished and hoped would be there, and we wish, work, and wait, we often end up where we are. Oh wait, we end up where we are regardless. I’ll let you decide what to make of it all.



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