“Dealing” with Groupon Head On

After lengthy deliberation, I’ve decided to CUT out all services in my life permanently. No more hair cuts, no more car repairs and oil changes, no more massages, and I don’t even know what other services a person needs but I’m not ever doing anything nothing. I realize I’m being rash, but I’m about to split an end here with the way this world is pissing on me!  Is no one looking out for the common man anymore? Or working together for the greater good?! Almost makes me want to stop supporting local business and work for the man instead. But before I sell my soul to the mass marketed devil, I’m going to tell you my story of what has led me to the breaking point. I am shearly and utterly disgusted with America and this past experience has royally sent me over the edge. Due to the material at hand, I will not be disclosing any of my sources or the company’s identities except for, of course, Groupon.

It all begins back in APRIL, as in four months ago, when I have a spare hundred bucks and decide to get a Groupon which was for half price on a DNA test helping you to identify your countries/regions of origin. I did some research and tests like it proved to be legit, I have my own personal reasons for wishing to take such a test and was hoping it would be the answer to many questions that have been lingering above my cranium for the past 20 years. God, I can’t believe I’m old enough to be a person that can say “the past 20 years,” and actually remember the time that came before. ANYWAY, I digress. I buy the Groupon and anxiously await the arrival of my own personal non-invasive clue to my identity. I wait. And wait. And wait. It never comes. So, in May, I decide to email the guy and ask where it is. He sends it (to my new address as I had moved during the hiatus) and I wait. And wait. And wait. End of May, I give him a good two weeks, I email him back asking him where my DNA test is. It never came. So, I ask kindly for a refund, as the product I ordered was never delivered. Fair enough. He apologizes profusely and says they will send a refund check in the mail. It’s now June 29th. But for some reason the check didn’t get “sent” until July 8th. And furthermore, I know that it was never sent because I am 1) still getting mail forwarded from my old address and 2) getting mail from my other cool, awesome, loyal friends that also sent stuff out to me on July 8th.

I decided to write to Groupon and share of my blow-out with this company. I also did a little internet searching and found the company to have other people who were mad and disgruntled at the service they received in dealing with said DNA service. So, while I was complaining to Groupon, I filed with the BBB and told them the tale. Groupon writes me back immediately and says to me, “Perhaps you’re not redeeming the voucher properly…” Being a savvy internet do-anythinger I was a little livid at this statement. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and checked through everything to make sure I had done it properly. Meanwhile, I write back to the DNA company, I’ll use the salesman’s name “Max”, and he assures me that the check was sent……only the pea brained man had it sent to my OLD address. Now this is not to worry because as I mentioned, I am still getting mail forwarded. So I waited. And waited. And waited. Practically starving to death because now my situation has gravely changed and I’m eating peanut butter and garbanzo bean flour sandwiches instead of meals, and all I want is that 100 bucks so I can feel like I achieved something this week, and  alas, it doesn’t come.

Psychotic as I am, I decide to email Groupon again a response indicating that I was not pleased with their implication that I was stupid in the last response, and apparently it was effective and well-received because they decided to “refund” me by giving me Groupon bucks. Groupon bucks, FYI, are a dangerous and dastardly thing. They are not cash. They are not my money, and they are not my family heritage. They will end up costing you more, for things you would never have gotten anyway. For 97 Groupon bucks this is what I “got”. Thanks for nothing, Groupon:

  • A haircut
  • 5 Bottles of wine (originally “priced at $75.00”)
  • Curtains for my bedroom
  • A massage –if you could call it that

Let me break down each experience for you:

Me only SLIGHTLY as annoyed as I have been throughout this Groupon experience.

Me only SLIGHTLY as annoyed as I have been throughout this Groupon experience.

The haircut. 

I actually was enjoying the haircut, the lady was nice, and I was about to ask her to Trivia night so I could hook her up with the only single guy I know here in Raleigh. But then…at the check out desk, after trying to get me to buy a alchemist laboratory’s worth of hair product that I would NEVER allow to touch my precious locks…the bastards (excuse my language) charged me $10.00 EXTRA for having “long” hair. They also charged my card $30.00 because they obviously don’t know how to use a credit card machine and the woman “accidentally” over charged me. She also couldn’t figure out how to reverse the charge so she decided to pay me back in cash….which was not really something I was down with, but I had no choice. Sucker I am, I set up an appointment for 8 weeks from now because I didn’t the stylist to feel bad. I’ll cancel in September after I’ve cooled off.

The massage. 

Any massage feels good, it’s true. Although I am not sure this one actually accomplished anything. You know there is something wrong when the massage therapist says, “Focus on how you feel, not on the technique”. I’m glad it was free, but I would never pay for it, and I am not sure I want to travel to the ghetto for my massages anyway. Who gets massages anyway!? I gave the lady a ten dollar tip because I felt bad for the fact that she probably had to pay for more schooling, I just miss MY one and ONLY massage therapist in NH. I’ve yet to find anyone to surpass her prowess.



Ok, so here is one we can always be happy about! Free alcohol. Not so free, when you read that the Groupon, guaranteeing you

$75.00 of wine for $25.00 does not include shipping costs. You know how much it costs to ship $75.00 of wine? Well first of all, there is no way to even get to the $75.00 without going over. Then you pay $25.00 shipping for 17 lbs of wine to be delivered,

which you will inevitably sit around all day waiting for and since you don’t have any wine to sip while waiting, it’s not really a fun experience. I can’t speak for the reds, because I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole, but the white I had last night left me lots to be desired. I’ve had better wine for 5.66E in France, and for $4.99 at the Trader of Joe’s. I’ll try to drink the other entire bottle of white tonight and I’m sure I won’t even notice the flavor. I’d imagine my entire situation will seem PRETTY OPTIMISTIC after that.


All I have to say regarding these is, we shall see. They appear to be great 84″ chocolate brown curtains with a $54.00 list price. But when they arrive they will probably be some recycled, cheap, tattered stained lace from some old lady who is running a business out of her home. They should be here tomorrow, I believe. Of course, knowing the track record, I probably won’t have the privacy provided by curtains until next August. Curtains

The point of all this is: We are so freakin’ vain as Americans. We have these stupid things that we want and need and then we put forth effort to find them cheaper. I don’t want any more of this crap. All I wanted was to figure some stuff out about my heritage to see if I should be wearing a squaw costume  or sari of any sort instead of my everyday jeans and t-shirt. But now I’m out 44.00 plus the initial 100.00 invested and I have a bad attitude. I nearly lept over the counter at the hair salon and strangled the woman. I’ve bought other Groupons before, but I’ve as of late come to realize once and for all:

You’re not saving money if you were never going to buy it in the first place.

And I never buy anything. Ever. And I never will again. I could go on and on about the other various mistakes I’ve made purchasing similar Groupon items, my goal to support local business, and the end result being that I end up with a bunch of freaks massaging my back and plucking my eyebrow hairs.

I’m all about supporting local. But not when local spits in your eye, after chewing on a jalepeno pepper.



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