This weekend was a falls under the category of a “Lay-Low Weekend”. It started with a bang, as the driver’s side front tire on my car went flat, and then it sort of fizzled into a slow, relaxing, go-nowhere, do-nothing kind of weekend from then on out. It’s the kind of weekend that has you too deep in your own head to dig yourself out with a shovel, and I think I got to the point where I was so annoyed with myself, I need a vacation…from ME. I don’t know about you folks, but I can only handle so much of myself before the Dr. Hyde half of me starts scheming my demise.
I can’t exactly put my finger on what part of myself grated on my nerves the most. Maybe it was my incessant need to have constant mind-blowing conversations or my frequent asking, “What’s wrong?!” every single second that I was not being paid attention to by others. Perhaps it was because I didn’t really accomplish much, or have any interesting thoughts buzzing around my head, and I most certainly did not look and feel my best each and every moment of the weekend. I cheated on a crossword puzzle and on my gluten-free diet, and my only interaction with nature was aside a chlorine pool. All that aside, I was a real class act to be around.
The fact of the matter is, it’s a challenge to always remain “up” and to be a healthy, balanced individual flowing with love, and radiating honey and positivity. Are there tricks to making this happen? Do those goofy little mantras really work for people? I eat right, exercise, get as much sleep as I can, and try to live healthily within my meager budget. So, as I fight through my 27th year (which I thought would start to become easier) I find myself legitimately struggling to stay happy all the time. The consequences of emotional plummets are a ripple effect. Your work, sleep, creativity, healthy eating resolutions, activity level, significant others, relationships, and overall state of being all take a brutal beating from your self-directed hate crime. Knowing this, why do I even let myself go there? Venture into the deep, dark woods of my grey matter?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. When I was just beginning high school, as a little pipsqueak 14-year old I was higher than a kite on cocaine. Life was always good and my optimism was so loud and bubbly and, well, just downright optimistic that I could’ve brought a cemetery full of dead people back to life. As time progressed and I realized perhaps things were bigger than my perception, my entire world was rocked and I every so slowly began to watch as dreams, even my hopeful, most honest ones were shattered and broke right before my very eyes. People around me got hurt. I got hurt. I hurt others. I found myself in a sea of mistakes and covered in blemishes that I reaped from simply existing. Being happy all the time wasn’t as easy as it had once been. And for awhile, I let my brain take over every single crevice of my life, and I sunk into a deep dark wallowing hole of depression featuring emotions like guilt, hopelessness, abandonment, and could find negativity in a banana split. Even if it did have a cherry on top. I let myself go on like this for almost 6 years, when I realized this was not really the best way to conduct oneself, in respect to others and I began to toy with the question, “Do I have control over my life?” rather than blaming my circumstances or some outside forces. I would watch movies about depressed people and think I most certainly had such a condition, and I just let life melt away into a pile of forehead wrinkles and cynicism.
Looking back on such times, I have come quite a ways. I no longer fake my smiles. I don’t cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t go into a store and expect the salesperson to hear my sob story if I put on a long enough face. I am not sure what I attribute to my improvements, I suppose I eat healthier and a diet higher in fats, I am more focused than I used to be, I am better about being alone, and I sometimes give in and let myself have things that I have always said “no” to. I look at situations in a humorous light 78% of the time, and I try try try to enjoy each and every moment. After all, what else do we have but “NOW”. It is always now.
Every now and then though, when I have my heart set on something that seems ever out of my reach, when I becoming slightly too dependent on someone else and fear creeps in, when I wish I could just indulge my senses in something exquisite for free, or when I just think about the things in my life that may be lacking. Those are the times that I still let angry thoughts thrash about in my brain and call myself names in scorn. I snap at others, I take things personally, and I make assumptions about what others are thinking. When I’m down, I don’t like myself, because I don’t feel like myself. But I get stuck in a hole of a disparaging, helplessly hoping 27-year-old and wallowing in self pity begins to feel sort of comfortable. My organic pillow cases get smudged with mascara lines from my gratifying night sobs.
It leaves me wondering why I am so damn dramatic and what I can do to become a fully-acclimated, well-rounded, and balanced woman!?
When I consider that I am in control, it sometimes makes me even more frustrated, now the only person I have to blame is ME! How do we embrace ourselves? Our lives? When we’re not entirely happy with where these things have us suspended us in time. What if I DO have regrets, and my past mistakes are still tormenting me and following me around like a backpack? Isn’t yoga supposed to cure this?
Today while frantically searching to gain my creativity into something useful or entertaining, I thought about this concept:
For some of us, we need newness, excitement, the elation of reaching goals, and a career that allows us to put these concepts into action each and everyday. When these things are missing, it’s easy for the mundane to take over and to feel as floppy and unattractive as a soggy waffle. I wonder if that is what is being 27 is all about, finding out how to squelch this feeling and as you take steps forward, you are pulled into an increasingly enlightening tunnel.
Now to devise my own, personal tricky mantra…just another leap towards that yellow brick road of self-actualization.