I’m pretty cold today, it’s a frightful 41 degrees here in the Capital City of North Carolina. Blustery like in a Winnie the Pooh story, sunny like Willie Wonka’s disposition, and almost wintery, though not at all like in New Hampshire. But I’m not as cold as I was yesterday. Because yesterday was the same temperature as today, only I was adorned with pink gym shorts, and the correspondingly goosebumpy legs due to waiting for my car to be towed down to the shop I just purchased it from five days ago. I had just finished my lovely workout and was feeling good about getting things done with my new freedom on four wheels….
I’m actually to the point of hectic and crazy happenings that I am finished complaining. I don’t have any energy left to do so. I’m just now in the mode of pondering. Why? Why? Why? Is it a sign? Is it because I am not believing in the right ideals, beliefs, etc? The man observing my situation as my car was being towed kept saying, “Don’t cry, there is a purpose for EVERYONE, and always remember that someone has it worse off than you.” I realize this…but can I still have myself a short pity party? Am I not worthy enough to receive ABUNDANCE and MIRACLES and SURPRISES!? Is my heart not allowed to be broken when things go wrong and it feels like the universe is conspiring against me?
I’ve been reading a book called “The Four Agreements”, in which it instructs us not to take things personally –not events, not things people say to us, and certainly not the human experience. Don’t take it personally when all of the following events happens in one week: You crash you car, you total your car, you become a busboy even though you’re a girl, your replacement car breaks down and has to be towed…you can’t tell who is a crook from who is throwing you a bite to eat…just when I thought the clouds were supposed to be breaking and offering me some respite.
However, I can’t help but WISH sometimes that there WAS a master plan through all this, that it was personal so that when the clouds break, I could feel like, “Hey! That was me! I did that!”. I wish that it wasn’t just the events of life, or due to my own poor planning. Alas, I suppose either way really wouldn’t change anything. I would still be face to face with the same lessons, the same me in the mirror. I still must face things with the same vigor, and reach for what I want with all my might. Sometimes, that reaching has to be done with the help of someone else. If it is personal, maybe it’s not about me at all, maybe it’s about the other people I’m interacting with. See, life can really do a mind-numbing number on you if you let it.
I suppose there is no reforming, no resolutioning, no life-changing tailspin I must do, just good, old-fashioned hard work and striving to be implemented right now. There is acceptance, there is forgiveness, learning, grace, and being open to pouring out any shred of giving that I am able. While simultaneously juggling the capacity to receive gratefully. Be it not returning things in the exact same form they were given, then in some other way.
Finally, enough with the overanalyzing, Emily!! Which is exactly why, before I start overanalyzing whether or not this is a negative or positive post, or whether or not it had a point, or whether or not it will send out bad vibes, or so-and-whose-he-whats-it will agree with me…I’m just going to hastily hit “Publish”.