Just When I Thought….

I’m pretty cold today, it’s a frightful 41 degrees here in the Capital City of North Carolina. Blustery like in a Winnie the Pooh story, sunny like Willie Wonka’s disposition, and almost wintery, though not at all like in New Hampshire. But I’m not as cold as I was yesterday. Because yesterday was the same temperature as today, only I was adorned with pink gym shorts, and the correspondingly goosebumpy legs due to waiting for my car to be towed down to the shop I just purchased it from five days ago. I had just finished my lovely workout and was feeling good about getting things done with my new freedom on four wheels….

I’m actually to the point of hectic and crazy happenings that I am finished complaining. I don’t have any energy left to do so. I’m just now in the mode of pondering. Why? Why? Why? Is it a sign? Is it because I am not believing in the right ideals, beliefs, etc? The man  observing my situation as my car was being towed kept saying, “Don’t cry, there is a purpose for EVERYONE, and always remember that someone has it worse off than you.” I realize this…but can I still have myself a short pity party? Am I not worthy enough to receive ABUNDANCE and MIRACLES and SURPRISES!? Is my heart not allowed to be broken when things go wrong and it feels like the universe is conspiring against me?

I’ve been reading a book called “The Four Agreements”, in which it instructs us not to take things personally –not events, not things people say to us, and certainly not the human experience. Don’t take it personally when all of the following events happens in one week: You crash you car, you total your car, you become a busboy even though you’re a girl, your replacement car breaks down and has to be towed…you can’t tell who is a crook from who is throwing you a bite to eat…just when I thought the clouds were supposed to be breaking and offering me some respite. car towed

However, I can’t help but WISH sometimes that there WAS a master plan through all this, that it was personal so that when the clouds break, I could feel like, “Hey! That was me! I did that!”. I wish that it wasn’t just the events of life, or due to my own poor planning. Alas, I suppose either way really wouldn’t change anything. I would still be face to face with the same lessons, the same me in the mirror. I still must face things with the same vigor, and reach for what I want with all my might. Sometimes, that reaching has to be done with the help of someone else. If it is personal, maybe it’s not about me at all, maybe it’s about the other people I’m interacting with. See, life can really do a mind-numbing number on you if you let it.

I suppose there is no reforming, no resolutioning, no life-changing tailspin I must do, just good, old-fashioned hard work and striving to be implemented right now. There is acceptance, there is forgiveness, learning, grace, and being open to pouring out any shred of giving that I am able. While simultaneously juggling the capacity to receive gratefully. Be it not returning things in the exact same form they were given, then in some other way.

 

And smiling….how could I have forgotten about such an art?! Common Market

Finally, enough with the overanalyzing, Emily!! Which is exactly why, before I start overanalyzing whether or not this is a negative or positive post, or whether or not it had a point, or whether or not it will send out bad vibes, or so-and-whose-he-whats-it will agree with me…I’m just going to hastily hit “Publish”.

Recap.

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This past week has been intense. As much as I would like to say that I handled it all with poise, grace, and a smile on my face the entire time, I do not think I could do so with honesty. It has however evoked some powerful themes, infused me with some lessons, and exposed my vulnerabilities in a way that I would never have willfully devised nor schemed up for myself.

I made the decision recently that I was going to move to the same city in which my boyfriend lives, as well as begin to attend a trade school in this same area. All the plans and dreams, wishes and lollygags were fine and dandy in my head; however, searching for a job proved to be a more daunting and treacherous task than I had counted on.

I’ve always had ease with job searching, finding jobs in under two hours, meeting with people who plop W-2’s and photocopy my license and social security card before I can say, “Whose Your Uncle?” (Not that I would ask them that in a job interview, just giving you a comparison with the lightning speed of these things transpiring). So that was me bragging just now and, this is me confessing that I’ve had had over 26 jobs, and most of them were not anything to be proud of, nor something that I stuck with. Enter the “Raleigh Project” –Operation find a job, find an apartment and move my things easily and effortlessly to move forward towards my dreams. Is it just me, or are dreams harder and harder to catch? What happened to the good old vision board that made everything happen overnight? Or the dream catcher I put at the foot of my bed to conjure up the fairy godmothers to shower me with blessings? I was having a VERY hard time finding a job, and a VERY hard time being so far away and getting apartment people to believe me when I said I really existed and am not just a ghost calling them up to look through the places. So, I decided I had to take some action. I threw some belongings in a car, and sped off to Raleigh where I planned to get a job, do a lot of walking and meditating, and of course be some perfect cook/cleaning/ singing/ inspiring machine for Jason and his roommate.

Day One. Emily gets in a car accident and rear ends someone. On her way to a job interview, which actually was one of these jobs that was not going anywhere. Emily learns valuable lessons on this day like for example: Always file a police report. Don’t sleep and drive. Stay present. Don’t cry in front of mechanics….they automatically think you’re crazy (which, in this case, is not far from the truth).

Day Two. Emily gets a job. I was not actually sure if they were going to hire me or not after the first interview, but viola! I am in like Flynn. I even got invited to the company Christmas party, on Sunday where I learned my next valuable lesson.

Day Three. Emily works at new said job, from 6pm until midnight. She also rides the bus, teaching her never to ride the city buses again, walks no less than 7 loops around the entire city, and crashes into a deep sleep upon arriving to her bed.

Day Four. Emily buys a car. I was bound and determined to get my car fixed, but the natural unwinding of events have me reeling in another direction. The direction of a 98′ Honda Civic, which is when I learned another valuable lesson: Know where the title to your car is. And don’t keep it in your glovebox.

Day Five. Emily attends company Christmas party, boldly and strangely stepping into a land where everyone else knows each other, is getting really drunk really fast, and I learn the most valuable lesson here. This place is cool, but am I cool enough to hang in there like the hot wasabi I am? We shall see.

For the most part, I’m no worse for the wear, but I have a few extra wrinkles, a nasty headache, I’m completely broke down to the last 11 bucks, and am now indebted to be Jason’s personal servant for life. I’m somehow REALLY lucky in all of this. I am not where I want to be, where I thought I would be. But I’m not dead, and I am really grateful to those helping me in every way right now. I have never liked to be reliant on others to help me and carry me through, and it seems for about two years now I’ve been playing these cards I’m dealing myself. I’m waiting on things to “click”, to make sense, for the dark, painful rain cloud that’s sort of smothering me, to lift. Since it’s not lifting on it’s own, I’ve got to work on my pushups so I can throw it off of my MYSELF. How long does it take to get a life in shape? I suppose life is not as “instant results” as Muscle Milk and whey protein…Thank you common sense for yet another awakening. It’s a lot more reliable than the survival skills I don’t possess.

‎”It’s always possible to wake someone up from sleep, but no amount of noise will wake someone who is pretending to be asleep.” –Jonathan Safran Foer

Christmas Has Made Me an Insomniac

Santa, can you hear me? I’ve been really good this year.

That’s why I expect a whole buncha junk under my Christmas tree, at the end of my bed in a stocking, and in my driveway with a giant, oversized bow adorning it. I’m about to do a 180 degree turn from nice, friendly, super ultra apple crisp sweet, Emily, to a disciple of Scrooge.

When I was a child, I would go to bed on Christmas Eve, probably chubbier than a chubby stuffed bunny, my pancakey dough thighs slopping together, all content and gluttonous on Christmas Eve sugared treats. I would rest my head upon the pillow….only to JOLT into a high powered awakened Energizer bunny state at 2am. Why? Because this was around the time my parents would drop off a jam-packed STOCKING at the end up of my bed. Because of my sonic hearing, their creeping was no match for my light sleeping, and I was UP as soon as they were OUT. I rummaged my stockings, I stirred my brothers and had them open theirs and we reveled in our new toothbrushes, chocolate candies, clementines, and chap sticks that were overflowing from the knitted masterpieces. And that was it, from 2am onwards, I was asleep, raging through the halls of the house, doing cartwheels, ballet moves, headstands, and practicing my toe-pajama Micheal Jackson moonwalking. I guess the inner excitement and angst of Christmas, and all the greediness I experienced in desiring to have MORE GIFTS, more SHOES, more SOCKS, more COVERALLS! It was too much to bear! It left me sleepless in Jaffrey and high on life. Luckily, I had a band of three brothers to join me in the insomniac parade.

To this day, I have troubles with sleeping and I’m started to think it began with those Christmases, awakening me to the fact that I was about to get MORE PRESENTS and my selfish, little, self-centered child world could be ROCKED. I hear a jingle and I am brought out of a dreamlike state in an instant. I think of all the things I am lacking in my life and I lose at least two, if not three nights sleep. Santa had BEST be stopping by! A big event is upcoming involving trees and shiny boxes and I may as well commit myself to an insomnia research project …I’m done for.

I’m glad to have found Valerian root, so my insomnia issue is solved 75% of the time, 345 days of the year. However, there may be something wrong with the way I go about delving into holidays. Isn’t it a time to be with people you love? To clash wine glasses together followed by a kiss? To build and grow, reflect and dream? To throw a huge party and invite your friends and share with them all the great things that make them human beings? The time to watch two of your friends meet, talk and then before your eyes, get together, the most unsuspecting beginning to the perfect couple?

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Or maybe it’s about thinking about the list of things you need to furnish your newly renovated kitchen? To make sure everyone knows your major must-haves, and got-to-have-its? To send off those little cards with your faces all aglow and let people know how perfect your year has been?

What would it be like if we treated people as though life was a holiday EVERY DAY!? I am hoping this wouldn’t translate into me losing more sleep. But seriously, what if we looked forward to EVERY day as much as kids look forward to tearing every fragment of wrapping paper off their gifts?

I don’t love Christmas, at the moment, because it feels like a bit of an obligation, a second rent payment, a panic…. but I think this year it’s going to be better than most, and I think it’s because I feel overall more CHRISTMASish every day. Yes, I definitely have that feeling. Ok, now I am so excited I can’t sleep!!!!

LunasCrewnas

Can I Make You Think I’m Pretty?

The power of the mind is supposedly much more untapped and expansive than we even know. I’m somewhere on the fence right now in regards to this body of thought. Which perhaps means my brain power is being used less than the average rocket scientist. Or perhaps the balancing act, the teeter tottering, is giving my brain a workout like none other.
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I want to believe that being positive and speaking positively will make things happen. Books like “The Secret”, “The Magic”, “The Power of Thinking Big”, “Think and Grow Rich”, “French Women Never Get Fat”, “One Fish, Two Fish”, pretty much every book out there, even my all-time favorite fairy tale, “The Alchemist”. Personal trainers remind me, life coaches, psychic citizens, senior citizens, chiropractors, my best friend, and my boss all give me the gentle tug back to reality that what I am portraying is coming back to me. Maybe that explains why all of my customers the other day were CRAZY and NEEDY! Surely it was them and not me. When you stress, others can feel it and they stress. Supposedly the same goes for anger, love, joy, and depression. Is this a universal frequency transmission or common sense? When you feel ugly, you bring that out in your persona and those around you perceive you as less attractive. And here is a no-brainer, when you are thinking you have no money, you have no money!

The reason I have yet to believe this is bi-fold. Not to be confused with “billfold”, (though I am always thinking about it being full). First, I am a pessimist, I think. I tend to believe good things will happen for others, in fact, I even am disillusioned enough to lead the horses to water AND be convinced that I can make them drink. I think I have some magical pixie dust that allows people to flourish if I can just help them a little. But I want one of those people to work their magic on ME! I want someone who just being around them makes things happen for me. A money fairy godmother, a magical princess that will make it rain cute shoes and clear skin. A job offer that blows my expectations out of the water, a friendship with a pilot that will transport me and a friend to anywhere we want to go. Am I wrong for asking what I want?? Are any of us? How much is attributed to luck? To having the right friends? To have a high tech sense of intuition? And finally, to thinking positively? The other reason I am skeptical is because I don’t like to believe anything without knowing for sure. And how can one prove what the true cause of an event is in reality? Was it going to happen anyway? Was it someone else’s brain contribution? I would hate to think that something I banked on was just a bunch of hogwash like Agway or the Kirby vacuum salesman. Is the Universe out for our good? Does it even care? Does it hurt you more to be positive or negative? Why or why not? These are the essay questions I wish to answer. IMG_3202

Just the usual, you know, unfold the meaning of life, nothing crazy –all in a day’s work.

So I’m putting it to the test. I did this about a year ago, and it worked. I made a vision board about going to France, what I wanted to do there, I imagined what it would feel like, I packed my bags. Next, I announced to everyone that “I’m in Love” and sure enough it all began to happen, and I couldn’t ask for any greater love. But that could’ve also been because an object in motion is really hard to stop. I don’t even know if I am really alive to tell you the truth, so I am about to test some of these things out.

1. My self health analysis / stomach. I eat extremely healthy 6 days a week. But all too many times, I screw up and I beat myself up until the cows come home, and they NEVER come home cause I don’t eat beef! My stomach will hurt, my skin will get nasty, and I will feel like I could sink even the Titanic with the heaviness I feel. So if I tell myself positive things about such instances, will that improve? Will it utterly vanish? If guilt is transformed to gratitude will I reap the same repercussions? Test. #1. Let’s see how the Universe answers it.

2. My job. I’m currently looking for a job. So if I boldly proclaim, “I LOVE MY NEW JOB!” Or even say what it is! Or even think about all the cute outfits I will get to wear, does that mean something will happen? I did just get an email asking me to come in for an interview as I wrote this. Let’s see where that goes. Test #2. This one we will put a deadline on, December 25th. Merry Christmas TO ME.

3. Feeling pretty even when I don’t. Let’s face it, ladies, gentlemen, some days we just feel plain old dastardly. Does this have to happen? If I walk around thinking I’m as pretty as a Princess Kate will I be pretty as a petunia every day? Test #3. Not as easily provable. But perhaps I will just feel it?

4. Staying Warm throughout the Winter. When I am cold, I become an Ogre-like vampire werewolf whose primary goal is to increase her body heat via massive intake of ginger tea, cayenne pepper, sweet potatoes, and seventy plus layers of wool, fleece, cotton, thermawick, goretek, dermaloft, primasoft, etc, etc. If I think I am warmer, will I be warmer? This one might not be worth my effort. When you’re cold, you have something to talk about no matter what. It really has the potential for some interesting conversations….about the weather. I might be giving the Universe to great a task, scratch this one and bring on the argyle gargoyles.

Here goes nothing. Well, let’s just say, for the sake of the experiment: Here comes SOMETHING!!!