Random.

I know it’s highly unprofessional, disorganized, and completely obnoxious to entitle this blog “Random”, but it had to be done. It’s also a lie, because we all know that NO thoughts that go through a woman’s mind are RANDOM. They all have a completely logical pathway as they wind their way from spaghetti that they are cooking for dinner to a bunion on their toe, to a complaint about how you left your shoes in their way when you came home from work the other night. All of our thoughts are intricately woven together and connected.

Needless to say, every day it’s the same way. I begin my day with a thought, I ponder it a bit, perhaps move on and come back to the original for a little munch until I’ve had my fill, or bitten off more than I can chew. Either or. Then later in the day, when I hear someone else mentioning something along the same vein….or for that matter, a completely DIFFERENT capillary or artery altogether, it sends my mind reeling back to MY thought and “Oh, my God! I was JUST thinking about that this morning, this is coincidence is just TOO MUCH!” And thus begins another rapidly firing ammunition of garble and mumbo jumbo that no one wants to hear and would’ve been best left in my notebook and with the opening line, “Dear Diary…”

My body has been spinning in a similar way this week, going from one thing to the next, rest looms in the distance, taunting me with it’s relaxed recliner and delicious slumber. But no, duty calls, and I must go on. I do the rain tap dance of energy, and it pours over me until I’ve somehow mustered enough to get through each and every moment, with undying fervor. This week, as I’ve gone about embarking on this wild ride, I’ve gained some valuable little nuggets, be it random as they are, and I would like to share them with my ever-faithful audience. Even though, I know there is only one of you. And that just makes you all the merrier.

1. I can change my mind to feel a certain way about anything. Is this true or is it a lie? This is a thought experiment I am still working on. For example, if I decide my stomach is going to stop hurting, if I decide it will stop defeating me, taking over my pleasant little happiness, and ruining me with it’s anxiety-stricken ways, will it? If I wake up with insomnia, can I think my way back to sleep? Can I believe happy and positive things about myself and will they come to pass?

2. Looking at my empty inbox, I count the number of job applications I have sent in the past three months. Hundreds. Literally. How long does it take for a wish to come true? Am I mentally doing something to block it? Is it the Great Depression? Is my resume ugly and bad? It’s making moving forward feel like I am running through quicksand. I sit on the floor in my parents home, typing a blog about it. What’s that? What SHOULD I be doing instead? What is everyone else doing?

3. Waiting for the Huffington Post to find me. Someone to tell me I am hilarious. A prodigy. Epic. Grand. Smashing.

4. Even those who I thought were Supermen are not. I thought my boss’ boss was Superman. I thought he ate completely cleanly and ran like the wind in marathons. I would not think he would walk at the end of a race, or that his legs would cramp to a point that he could not move. I wouldn’t think he had regrets or problems. I thought my boss was Superwoman. I thought the apron she wore around at work was secretly her cape. I thought she was a fountain of joy and had it all straight, with all of the answers. I thought she worked out everyday and ate and drank to perfection. I thought her skin glowed like porcelain and her marriage was perfect. I think people’s imperfections make them even more beautiful as human beings.

5. Today on our run, we saw 6 deer crossing the road right in front of us. Graceful and beautiful.

6. Is it time to let it all go? Is there a fine line to walk, to balance, between letting it “all” go, and letting “most of it” go? Does it even suit us to let most of it go? How do we in actuality “let it go”? Has anyone figured this out yet. Do I begin by asking forgiveness? How can I hear the answers? What if I can’t trust the soup? If I were only shorter. Everyone likes short people.

 

 

 

I warned you it was random. But you followed it all, didn’t you?

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