All the single ladies. And by that I don’t mean “single ladies” I mean “every single lady”. Please, please, tell me someone else has gone through this. Maybe it occurs at different times for all of you but seriously, is my scale broken? Do I have to carry around these gigantically expanding balloon cheeks in public? And that’s not even to mention that my size 3 junior jeans somehow lost their “bagginess”. When did people stop saying to me, “Oh, if you even had ANY body fat…” and my uncle calling me, “string bean girl” and the like?? Remember when people used to think I was to young to take on big tasks? Undermine me because I looked young? Now if I say something stupid, people look at me like I am some undereducated grad student. The pressure is on, I need to figure out which big tasks I am supposed to even be delving into.
I need technology more and more to stay in touch with all my friends and I hate it more everyday and want to throw my LOL texting phone and OMG computer against the wall. I did that to my computer and the screen broke, so I wouldn’t advise it. Confounded email.
Why am I working at the same job that I did when I was 19? When am I going to get a real job? Do I honestly live with my parents right now? Is it just me, or is the future as bleary-eyed as a drunken acid trip? Not that there are EVER any of those occuring, considering I am more sensitive to everything than I have ever been in my entire life. I rarely find myself needing a sweater to sit outside anymore, now I am searching for the biggest blast of air conditioning I can find. Blood boiling.
Just the other night I had exactly, if not a little less than, 2 glasses of wine at a party and needed to be driven home and banned from talking to anyone. Aged teetotaler After taking my dentures out, I get so tired that I find myself asleep in my bed at 8pm more than once a week, twice a week if I stay up past midnight. I try to run 9 miles in the heat (which used to be a CAKE WALK and CAKE BURNING activity) and now I am huffing and puffing and wishing I was dead for 8 out of 9 of the miles. What happened to being the adult that could out-backflip the 13 year-olds? The runner that ran through the yellow tape and beat all the rest of the puny females in the race? And what about my arch-yoga-nemesis who, despite the fact that “It’s not a competition” can CLEARLY bend herself into more painstakingly pretzel poses than me? I can’t let things slow down, I can’t stop, I must push as hard as it….
OH, my aching EVERYTHING. See what I mean? It’s harder, and harder, I never asked for this and I certainly would’ve staved it off longer had I known this would happen. I can’t believe this is how I feel, and I am only 3 months into this madness.
What’s the solution? Take deep breaths and I will magically be 25 again? Ignore it and it will go away? Drink more water? Hide dollar bills under my mattress for retirement? Go back to school? Lift more weights and maybe they will card me at the store for wine and a RedBox video? Maybe no one will even notice this is all going on, and I keep fooling them ALL into thinking I feel young and supple. Maybe I will just go out tomorrow and beat myself up all over again. Or maybe I will try a little TLC. Or maybe I will write a help column and give other people terrible advice so I can one up them. Only joking on that last one, I think now is the time to be helping each other out, not tearing each other down. For that matter, not tearing ourselves down either. Perhaps, it’s time to be a little kinder, and give myself a pat on the double chin.
I must admit, this is also the happiest I have felt in a long time, and though things are not simple, I feel a heck of a lot more accomplished when I conquer them. I wonder what 27 holds…