Quit Cha’ Lyin’

I have been traveling around to and fro for awhile now. A few cities here, a couple countries there. It seems to be a common theme, a frequent occurrence for people to hide the truth from one another. Especially when interacting with one another with the goal of monetary exchange. It all makes perfect sense, we have to force ourselves to be cordial and nice sometimes to make things in this world happen. Unlike you and me, most people are not naturally nice and wishing the best for you in every possible moment, but they do not want you or me to know that, so they play an innocent game of pretend.

They mask their true feelings behind a practiced facial expression and body language that, to the untrained eye, matches their words. It seems to me people dabble with fakeness for the following reasons:

1. Power

2. Money

3. To be liked, which hopefully eventually equals power and money.

Just the other day, I accepted a job offer while lying through my teeth that this was what I wanted to be doing. This was days after telling myself I would never do this particular job and not work for this particular company. Now I am faced with a double moral dilemma, not only must I unravel and untangle my mistake of saying “yes” when I really meant “no”, I also must be true to my word and show up and do it in person. Is this the lesson? Or is the lesson to go through that which I have been through before and this time to show up with Grace? Is this lesson to figure out what I want rather than what I do want? To stop changing my mind every five seconds about what I do want? To stop taking advice?

I am so trying to be change my life and just be straight up honest with myself. Preferably BEFORE hitting rock bottom, though that is about to happen any moment here. Lying to myself is a downward spiral, and I am on the fast track down this water slide, indeed.

To conquer and pursue my biggest most baddest dreams. And to steer myself in the right way this time. As we begin to follow through on our promises, both to ourselves and to others, it is an upward spiral.

Today I read a quote: “Not even for a million dollars would I paint a tree.” The quote is by the artist – Willem de Kooning, 1968. Considering his abstract style and eclectic ways, I take this to mean that he would not succumb to the pressure to paint anything than that which he fully owned as his own. His own true North Star.

It’s so easy to be true to oneself when you want chocolate or ice cream, to chug whiskey solo in a dimly lit bar (a frequent activity of mine), or to lie basking in the sun all day working on your skin cancer….but when it comes to conquering and pursuing your dreams, and taking the real steps to make your goals happen…being true to yourself sounds like walking across hot coals. The known pain is so much more comfortable and warm than the unknown pain, isn’t it?

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