Rules, Roles, and Rolls Royces

Honestly, I have run out of excuses. I have no reason to blog. I just witnessed last night a band that played the most amazing chords on their guitars, whose music filled my soul with their words and perfect synchronicity as a unit, and who even made a joke about “New Hampshire” people, not knowing there were two in the crowd… 

My words fall dead from my brain, to my fingers, to a small silver screen which is propped up by a jelly jar and a napkin holder because it is broken and cannot stay open without reinforcements. Nothing to preach about, nothing to complain about, nothing to muse on. I’ll tell you how to break addictions, after I get myself to quit drinking milk in my coffee. I’ll tell you the secrets to a clear complexion after I go pop this zit. I will tell you how to be successful, right after I climb out of this rabbit hole of a money pit.

What on earth am I making of myself in this world!? I think I hope it’s someone or something. Or do I? Maybe it’s better to stay below the radar, silently playing my next chess move in this societal and universal game where I pay to follow the path.

Here are four reasons why Emily should not be let out of her cage:

1. I Have Full-On Debates with Myself about Facebook. And I Always Lose. 

I have all the respect for Mark Zuckerberg and all the other wicked smart people, innovators, ingenious brainstormers, and what-nots, who have invented various technological means of staying connected, pursuing our dreams, and finding out information via a small little search box and the “enter” button. However, when I get on Facebook, I dissolve all of my personal standards, rules, and become someone I wish I was not. I am putting my name out there, accompanied by information about myself which I would usually keep hidden where no radar could find it, and I am also presenting myself as a contributing member of society. In fact, I have analyzed it even more deeply and found that on Facebook, I present the version of myself that is “perfect”. The Facebook Emily only updates her status when she has something positive to say, she untags all the crappy pictures of herself, and she most certainly does not let anyone know of a major meltdown that she is having. She can send all the creative, funny, witty banter that she wishes across it’s Facebook channels, and people think she is the most clever individual that walked the earth. On Facebook, I get to play the “role” that I am expected to be playing. I am not writing my own script, but I am reading all the right lines. All of these are things I DO NOT WISH TO DO. I also find it to be quite pushy with me, asking me if I know this person, asking me to “Like” everything under the sun, are you going to this event, what’s on your mind, comment here…. look Facebook, all I wanted to do was stalk some fellow campus dwellers back in college, and now see where you have landed me….I selfishly deny friends so I can keep my number at a certain place, I feel guilty deleting people, yet I often wonder, “Who is this person and why do I read about their life everyday?”. I stand for hugs, love, community, and keeping my circles small, yet I am throwing myself around a network which tens of millions have access to. Why? I rationalize by telling myself, “It’s all for the sake of connecting with others, Emily.” And perhaps it is. But, as it was brought to my attention the other day, those you want to connect with most, you usually are not using Facebook to do so. That being said, I feel stuck and physically unable to remove myself from the social network. Has it brainwashed me also? 

2. When You Do Not Know What to Do…Do Nothing.  

My friend Jolanta reminds me of this when I present to her a life crisis or dilemma I am in the throughs of. This one goes along with not worrying so much, staying present, etc, etc. If the answer isn’t there, go for a walk, meditate, do nothing. It will be waiting for when the time is right to deal with it. I don’t really know what else to say about this, so I am not going to say anything else about it.

3. Lead by Example. 

I am a positivity, cleaning, combo health food FREAK. My three claims to fame. That’s right, anything that involves being overly smiley and joyful even to the obnoxious point of bursting into song, scrubbing a floor on my hands and knees until it’s clean enough to lick, and eating weird and unusual foods and drinking aloe juice –I am there! My friend and I were having a discussion the other day about how that which we are passionate about, we should lead by example. Not even nessecarily saying, “My way is the right way,” but just shining our little lights where we may by coming from a place of love, respect, and perseverance. I am going to keep mopping this floor no matter how dirty it gets. I will aim to keep shining brightly and helping my family voice the concerns that keep them from doing so on any given day or during any given moment (even if these concerns include me being a little twerp of a sister/ daughter). I will keep choking down garlic and kale sandwiches and hope that my skin glows forth as representation of my squeaky clean insides. All this being said, my main point has nothing to do with cleaning, healthy eating, but it does have to do with making the world go round: lead others to LOVE by example. Lead by serving others, preferring others, in doing so, we find joy. I like this quote sent to me from my friend Victor,

Whatever joy there is in this world 
All comes from desiring others to be happy, 
And whatever suffering there is in this world 
All comes from desiring myself to be happy.

SHANTIDEVA

4. You are / You are in the Right Place

This week, I found out a lot of bad news, everything from someone needing a giant hug, to someone being faced with more than 19 charges of felony and a whole lot more consequences, and to top it off people sick in ways I could only imagine. My friends = my family. They are as close to me as any pimple or freckle has ever been. When things happen to my loved ones, to my family, I am utterly heartbroken and distraught and I want nothing more than to come to their rescue. Then I begin to question, am I in the right place? Did I selfishly make the decision to move back here? Should I be doing something else instead? Am I even needed here? Shouldn’t I go where I am needed? Wow, do I think the Universe revolves around me OR WHAT?! That’s just the thing. It does and doesn’t. Emily needs to stop jumping around and BE where she is. And when I made the decision to do that very thing, the temptation to be pulled back to try to be everyone’s hero lures me in. That’s just it, I am not everyone’s hero, I am not an angel, nor a pixie, not making anyone’s dreams come true. I am just where I need to be, and following along the path that is illuminated before me of grace and peace. As much as I have played the various roles in the past, and not always been true to discovering my own…it has been made clear time and time again, that I am exactly where I need to be. Now if I could just BE in the place where I was taking better care of myself and forgoing all forms of self-abuse….

Not so hard to stay on the proper path, as long as we pay attention to the road signs. But ’tis true for the lot of us: Even if we may be far, we are 100% near.

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