My mind has drawn the opposite of a blank. I suppose that makes it just a mesh mosh of squiggly lines and such. Commotion. It seems sometimes, no matter how still and small we stand, stimuli are just coming at us so fast and furiously, be it dreams, tasks, people, marketing influences, music, even good things like love, joy, relationships, and adventure can create exorbitant amounts of brain chaos. Watching others, I get even more mind spinning ideas, talking on the phone gives me present and future hopes, writing a letter helps me reminisce on the past, and observing the lives of passerby I feel jealous, or critical, justified and analytical.
After racing across the universe with all the fury I could hope for and want, I am forced to take a bit of a break right now. During one of these times of patience, the past Emily’s brain would be tempted to drift to not-so-warm fuzzy feelings, perhaps getting stuck on the past, avoiding the existence of emotions at all in a vicious attempt to numb away the things that might come up. There are some places I’ve been, I never want to return to. There are also places I long to be right now rather than here. Questioning myself, my reason for being, all of the mistakes and decisions and mistakes of my past, even those of my yesterday. I would spend hours wondering if perhaps things are going the way they should be going. Patiently, I am melting into a new reality. Throwing away that which no longer serves me and embracing slowly, the new line ahead of me which is beginning to form and I am about to join. Another part of reality? A new reality? Perhaps not a realm of the real world at all. I cannot, as hard as I try, drag you into it. How very strange the present moment, how empty, yet very open it is.
I hope everything begins to make slightly more sense soon. I tried to wish things away or into existence and it has not always worked. Sometimes I take action. Sometimes the action reminds me I should have been more patient. Or is this time to be the patient? I have tons of LOVE inside right now and it’s all just simmering away slowly waiting to be given out. It doesn’t feel possible from this throne.