Once upon a time, there was a faucet that dripped. Ever so slightly, every so often, ever so consistently. From the sink in the kitchen the dripping ensued. Whether the lights were on or off. Whether there was anyone there to hear or not, drip, drip, drip, dripping…
I would like to find some more people to observe / demoscope that are going through what I am. That way I could present an unbiased and accurate depiction of the transitionary time I am seeing myself go through, it’s a dripping faucet that is driving me mad. A constant and ever-present twinge, stabbing, that will not go away. The one nagging at me telling me that all is not as it should be. The little tiny slip-ups that I can just not seem to shake. And move on, and go forward towards a sterling shining bright and fully functionally water-and-life-bearing fountain rather than a leaky faucet.
A leaky faucet is caused by a seepage from the water supply. It can be caused by the watertight seal on the faucet being “loose” and failing at it’s job of holding back incoming water when the faucet is in the “OFF” position. What am I comparing this leaky faucet scenario to, you ask? Why the negative thoughts of course. The drip of negative thoughts that occur when that watertight seal has been improperly maintained. The sheer and utter confusion of the mind that is created as valuable resources are allowed to slip down the drain and not harnessed for all they are worth.
I can tell when these periods of life are sprouting up, because I will try on an “old-faithful” job interview outfit that feels simply terrible to wear, I will make a mistake only I can see, I will fail to accomplish something I have written on my list for the day, and then I realize that I can barely look at myself in the mirror. My mind begins the negative bombarding of thoughts, that I do not know who I truly am, that I am not who I should be, that I am not who I was. The watertight seal’s weakness begins to show. The slow dripping begins. An uncomfortable feeling beginning in my head and moving throughout my bloodstream. My pulse changes from a smooth, calm to that of morphine dripping through an I.V. Poisoning and numbing. Kind of addicting. If I am honest. But also entirely sickening.
What I am saying is this:
I am striving to be a fountain, one bringing life, happiness, and warmth. To myself and to those around me. In the past, coming flooding back, with consequences today, I have let situations, thoughts, toxicity, even scarring friendships into my life that have rusted away this watertight seal, the one that locked in positivity and allowed ME to be in charge of the pressure, to turn on and off the stream as I please. Now, I face the dripping, without fixing it, I continuously throw what I have left down the drain.
But there is still an endless supply. I just must get to the origin of the water, shut it off completely until I get this figured out. Which is what I am here now to do. I’ll have you know, that learning how to do it will be the toughest part. Though I suppose I am up for it. Even if it means the water works in my eyeballs will get their workout as I pour over the owner’s manual….where did I leave that thing anyway?
I probably left it beside my Encyclopedia of Mantras and Positive Self-Talk.